Selfish

Yeah, that's me. In a word. I must confess that most of my life has been spent living a life that is all about ME.  The funny thing is, it looks normal.  I mean, everyone has t.v.(s), most people have at least one computer and the internet in their house, and I have all the comforts of living in America.  I love my life, I'm comfortable in it.  I have my own little place with everything mentioned above, and I have a cute relationship with Jesus to share with the Christian people that I surround myself with.  At this moment I'm wondering what Jesus must think about that.

I've really been burdened lately about taking an international trip.  If you know me at all, you know that's where my passion lies. So, when I started wanting to leave the country it was nothing new to me.  The thing that was missing was my willingness to give up MY comfort.  I love my job, my condo, my car, my friends...why would I leave all that to board a plane to who knows where? 

This morning I was completely humbled by God.  I got just a glimpse of what He sees when He looks at people all over the world. He's a God that could look at us and see us as filthy sinners that deserve nothing but rags...He could view us as failures...as cheaters, liars, and sex addicts...you name it. God has the right to see us in all our shame.  Instead, God looks at us and sees beauty.  

I think I may have learned a little more about love.  I love people. I love life.  I love my friends and family.  But, do I love the people who don't love me in return? Do I truly love the nations, or just the idea of traveling and meeting new people?  Right now, I'd have to say, I love myself way more than any of that.  I love being comfortable. 

I say all of that, to say that I'm done with all of it.  I'm leaving my selfishness.  I want to see what it's like to live like Jesus. I want to experience what true love really looks like. I want to be a vessel for people to see Jesus' ridiculous love.  I'm not talking about people seeing ME. I'm talking about people wondering why.  

Jesus taught and lived a life that revolved around loving people. He loved the guys that followed him. He loved the people he passed on the road.  He even went a step farther, and loved the people who killed him.  You know this already.  So do I, but I didn't take that into consideration when I said that I wanted to be like Jesus.  

He's calling me to love, period.  He's calling me to love the world around me. Instead of sitting in my own little bubble, He wants me to get out and love His kids, because everyone is a Child of God.  Yet another cliche, I know, but SO TRUE.  I'm so frustrated that I've missed it for so long. I don't want to anymore. I want to love without condition. I want to love without expectation. I want to love like Jesus.

I was challenged by the thought of loving the faceless. Do I love the people that I've never even met?  I want to. I want God's Spirit to be so present in my life that I can't help myself.  God loves us unconditionally. I want to love Him so much that His love flows through my veins. I want to be a continuation of the love that He has shown me.

You may be wondering why I'm blogging about all of this...Well, for one, I needed to get it out.  Second, I want you to hold me to it.  Be my accountability, I need it. I don't want this to be a passing wind.  I want it to be my lifestyle.  I want it to be my identity. My life isn't at all about me, it's about Jesus.  He saved me by an act of extreme love, and I need to show that love to the rest of the world.  

Earlier I said something about wanting to travel. And honestly I've been very conflicted about where I'm supposed to go.  There are multiple places that have been dropped in my lap recently, and I thought I was just getting in the way and wanting to leave the country.  I'm beginning to realize it's not about picking one place.  It's about loving the people in those places and every place in between.  I want to love Ukrainians. I want to love Filipinos.  I want to love the Chinese.  But I also want to love the Iraqis. I want to love Africans. I want to love Americans. I want to love...

So, I guess my final thought is that i WILL go. It's not about where. It's about why.  I will go to love...not wanting anything in return.  May God's Will be done in my life.  If it costs me everything, then I count it as a blessing.

I don't understand why God still uses me, but I'm working on accepting it. I will no longer hide behind my insecurities, but live in the power of knowing that Jesus is within me.  I'm a sinner, saved by scandalous grace.  I'm going to love with a love that only comes from God.